I Won't Leave This Unfinished.

I wish I could tell you exactly what I'm thinking and feeling so you can understand.

I think I'm going to end up having a breakdown when I see Jonathan on Saturday. That won't ruin his birthday at all will it! Ha, I miss you, fuck. And I can't even do what I want to because I promised you and Jonathan that I wouldn't. I have no coping mechanism and I just want to go to sleep and never wake up. Fuck everything.

Urgh. I can't get into my other account and I just want to rant and complain and what the fuck even is this? I feel shit. I want a hug. I'm going to cry. I don't even know what's wrong with me. Let us listen to Editors, calm the fuck down and try to make LJ sign me the fuck in.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

This would be so much easier if I could drive. I'd drive straight over and hold her and tell her I'm sorry and I'll make it all better and then I would.

But I can;t drive. So instead I'll just sit here and battle my way through this fucking pile of coursework and homework whilst trying to find time to sort my face out before I go to the football and also thinking up a reply that isn't just me talking shit. 

Mission One: Acquire milkshake and Ritz.
Mission Two: Force the door shut and turn Fleetwood Mac up to maximum.
Mission Three: Get this sodding work done.
Mission Four: Fix this fucking mess..

No doubt you'll hear from me later.
R x


P.S. my spelling is normally terrible when I'm annoyed or upset, or both. I'm quite impressed with myself today.

All I want is to fall into a hole and never come out. Everything is a battle right now. Eighteen can't come soon enough because as soon as I hit that milestone and finish school I'm fucking off to Italy for the summer. Fuck everyone and everything. Nothing will matter for those weeks: family, friends, partners, band. Nothing. I'll finally get my breathing space. People think I'll be lonely but I fucking won't, okay? It's what I need and what I'm craving. The thought of it is the only thing keeping me going. More and more often I find myself thinking "if reincarnation is real, I can just end it all and start over. And if it's not, oh well, I'll be out of this mess."
No one seems to get the pressure I'm under. Maybe I'm being selfish but think about this for a second: I have school. That means maths, biology, chemistry, physics, film studies, citizenship, ict, RS, PE, computer studies, music, drama, Spanish, plus twilight geography which means four extra hours of school a week. On top of that there's homework and coursework. Add to that singing, piano, theory and choir. Mix in trying to get some exercise in and watching what I eat. The constant fear I'm going to lose my mind because my mother's side of the family are all off the fucking deep end. The fact that I hate virtually all of my year group because they're a bunch of homophobic, prejudice cunts. The fact that I have yet to come out to my parents and have no clue how. The fact that I can't have a conversation with my brother without it ending in a screaming match. The fact that my relationship is turning into a mess because I'm too stressed and childish to handle it. The fact that despite all of this everyone expects me to do fantastically in everything. The fact that every teacher wants you to revise their subject every fucking night. How many hours do they think there are in a day? The fact that within my own friendship group I'm not sure who I could count on to be there at any given moment of I needed them. The fact that my choir friends who I've known since I was eight live to far to be able to help me. The fact that I started cutting again and no one even knew. The fact that I keep having horrific nightmares where horrible things happen to people I low and I wake up crying and shaking. The fact that I can't sleep at night for worrying. The fact that my mum thinks I've got an eating disorder. The fact that every part of my body is aching all the time.
It's too fucking hard. I can't do everything. I can't be he fucking golden child my mother wants. I'm not the all rounder she thinks I am because I can't handle everything together. I'm exhausted all the time. I'm scared I'm going to fail all my subjects, or I'll get through GCSEs and fuck my A levels. Or maybe get past that only to drop out of uni and get no where in life. I need to be a ridiculous success or I'll be nothing. It's who I am, I can't function in the middle, I've never been able to. It's who I am naturally.
I hate those people who will act all nice and then ask you intrusive questions and get offended when you don't want to answer. Oh, I'm sorry. I must have forgotten that because you were polite for all of five minutes I now owe you my life story.

I shouldn't have posted this here. I should have waited until I sorted out a private account. But whatever. There's more to be said. Some more important stuff. That can wait for the private cut.

I don't even know where my state of mind is right now.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

I'm going to make a private one tomorrow hopefully so of you want it send me a message asking the username. Obviously I'll be sending "Mummy Jill" a message with it because she's amazing. Actually, I haven't spoke to her in a while which makes me sad. :( I miss my Mummy Jill.

On a side note, currently being made to feel that I've done something wrong though I have no idea what. Bit of a "fine, be that way then, fuck you" mood...

Goodnight starlight
R x

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.